Dear Diary
by jenniblu421
Summary: I can't let myself think about him, but maybe if I write it out it wont plague my thoughts so much. Maybe then I can sleep if I could get some of this out... Takes place during New Moon, oneshot but will be added to as thoughts come to me. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

Mood music: Goodbye and End, both by Secondhand Serenade

Dear Diary,

I broke water. I woke up the other day and I can't seem to lose the awareness. It is sharp, much sharper than I think it would be had I not spent the last four months in a haze of numbness. But why the sudden change? What does it accomplish? It just brings the pain into focus, acute and piercing. But why now? Why do I have to feel now? I think I would rather step back into the haze, the pain seems like it is too much for one person to bear. I don't understand it either. Why is it that I can feel the hole in my chest but I can't feel my heart beat?

I guess I do know. I mean, if I really stop to consider it it makes sense that I cannot feel my heart beat. It's not mine. It belongs to him, so it makes sense that it would disappear when he did. That it would go with him wherever he went. But he doesn't want it, so why can't he give it back?

How does it work when you have ended your life? When you have done all but physically stopped your heart, how can you be expected to continue living as though nothing has happened? How do you put into words the numbness that takes over? I gave up my life, all but ended it. Once I made my choice, I did not expect to continue living so what do I do with the unexpected consequence? I can't continue on my merry way, I can't pretend that I did not make my choices to tie my myself completely to another person in death because that is exactly what I did. Like a person with a gun to their head you just pray that it doesn't hurt because at that point you know that death is pretty much inevitable. So how then, once you have reconciled yourself for a death that didn't come, do you get up off of your knees and walk away? You can't, because regardless of the fact that you are still breathing, a part of you died there that day. You lost something that is to never come back, maybe it is a loss of innocence but maybe it is something more. Perhaps a certain piece of you does die and no matter what , no matter how hard you wish and pray and plead nothing will revive it except to have it all taken back. Nothing except to finally die the way you always expected.

But why then do I try? It is hard to pinpoint the moment that my life ended. I guess, if I had to declare a certain moment it would have to be the moment that I first saw _him_. I tied my life to him, so now what do I have to show for it? Nothing. Emptiness. Pain. I am drowning in it. Drowning in the memories of what could have been, the family and the life that I had chosen, the love that I have for someone who does not return it. No matter what, I can't get him out of my head and I honestly don't think that I want to…


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Diary,

As much as I cannot bear to listen to music anymore, I have a song stuck in my head. Reflections by Mae. It is exactly how I feel right now. The nightmares aren't going away. I have been visiting Jake a lot lately. He is working on the motorcycles and the sooner I can break my promise the better. I can't keep this one sided vow and keep my sanity. How can I?

If I am being honest with myself I don't know what good it will do to break the promise. But I guess that it is just the fact that he made me promise to keep myself safe and not be reckless like he cared. The look in his eyes when he made me promise is not one that I can ever forget. Not that I would want to forget it, I just don't want to remember it. There is a difference.

Tonight I dreamt we found a fair of wonders  
Where the future and the past cannot contain  
We were greeted by a spell that took us under  
And laid down in a field that revelades

To meet you in this dream we share I believed a perfect pair  
Oh but I was wrong  
This fair comes with a price because tonight I'll wake up twice and  
Both times find you gone

Reflection  
Is all we have and when it's over  
Reflections  
Of the path that sends us searching over and over again  


Too quick to fall asleep again to find you  
I'm rushing through a dream I can't control  
This house of mirrors beckons us to walk through  
But in second I have to let you go

Stuck here in this stare revealed beyond the glare  
Again you're gone  
So throw a stone through these reflections scatter light in all directions  
And sing this song

Reflection  
Is all we have and when it's over  
Reflections  
Of the path that sends us searching over and over again

Where does the physical meet with the spiritual?  
Is this the difficult question?  
But down below and up above  
They're not the same so I'm not sure of anything  
Where will love come from again?

Reflection  
Is all we have and when it's over  
Reflections  
Of the path that sends us searching  


Reflection  
Is all we have and when it's over  
Redirection  
Is the path that sends us searching

Isn't it enough for me to suffer but then to have a song stuck in my head? I have a strict no music rule. But then again, I have a strict no thinking about him rule so I guess thinking a song doesn't matter since I am breaking all of my rules with this diary. When he left he took so much from my life; the light, the music, the laughter… the hope. I just want him to be happy, but I want to be happy. You know what, I would just take an absence of pain. Maybe happiness is too much to ask for.


	3. Chapter 3

Mood Music: Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy

* * *

Dear Diary,

Do you ever feel like there might not be a future for you? A moment of thought in which you fear that you will never get the future you want. How do you fight for something that doesn't exist? You can fight if you know what to fight for; you can fight for freedom or for your rights. You can fight for the one you love. But what if you the one thing you want you don't have and you can't fight for it because it doesn't exist yet. What if something has happened to take a person away from you before they were ever really yours? A murder or a suicide or some random event that snuffs the flame of your future love, a future best friend and because this thing happened you can never know them. How can you mourn for something that is lost but never owned in the first place? Is it possible to mourn this life that never existed? I wonder sometimes about the things that happen in life, about the kismet that happens. I catch myself pondering life and the intricate balances between people; how one life affects so many others with no one the wiser. When someone takes their own life away, in one form or another, can they even contemplate the ways that they are touching every life that they know and would have known? The futures, not just their own but everyone that they are touching or meant to touch… It's a complicated thing. It's a complicated thing, this longing in life. The desire and pain and sadness is overwhelming. When need grips your heart and won't let go, what do you do? How do you keep the faith and hope long enough to continue the fight for the future you want? The future you need and desire and seek with all you have. What if there just is no future for some. Not that a future just never existed, but that a vital part of a future has been altered so permanently that what should have been cannot ever be.


End file.
